A Musing

I am a pretty piece of flesh
Your delicate hands shaping my desire
You wear your title well, my Muse
But it is you I wish to inspire

Still

Here I am
Standing listless
Breathless
On the edge of an experience
Shared by too few

Am I dreaming?
Lying perfectly still
Caught in this silent moment
Before waking
Sleepy-eyed and conscious
My mind floundering
On the brink of an epiphany
Regarding life
Regarding love
Dismissing the trend to be cynical

Oh how easily they slip into this place
The lonely
The jaded
The underwhelmed
Believing there is nothing more

I know nothing
Therefore
My ignorance is my bliss
My hope is unwavering

And you
You are the light
In my darkness
Still

Nameless

Let me dance
In the flame of your desire
You
Whomever you may be
It only takes a glance
A smile
An invitation from your lips
I accept, my love

Words
Mere whispers that stretch far beyond the confines of this heart
Or any heart, for that matter
But it does not matter
To anyone but me

I have been waiting for you in a dream
In silent slumber waking
Alone
They do not know who you are
Nor do I
Yet
I must hold on to yet

I know only this
I feel you in my silent ache
In my darkness
In the place where hope is almost lost
Almost

I will search for you
Until the last breath leaves my soul
And I fall
With an outstretched hand
Reaching
For your nameless face

Lies

You speak a most familiar language
Gilded words from a stolen tongue
I will not pretend to know what this is
You and I

I am trying to be strong
But you know I am weak
And I know you are willing
Willingness is nearly impossible to ignore

I stand by my resolve
You will not break me
You will not seduce me
I am not yours

Deceit is a demanding lover
There is no room for me
In a heart that denies its own reflection
I see you as you are

You take your lies to bed, Dear One
In your darkness
Clinging to a tear-stained pillow
Wishing it were me

Bloodletting

I will not bleed for you
You are but a scratch
On my inner thigh.
A wound no longer deep
Once carved in sorrow
Scarred edges
Stretching over time
Into smooth white lines
I barely feel you anymore
Only when I wake
Or sleep
Or breathe
Or cross my legs
And squeeze tight to feel your sting
Through folds of fabric
Friction and heat
This, my dull, throbbing ache

My heart is my own worst enemy
What a useless organ
Defenseless and weak
It will not forget
Every word, every word
How gently you held it in your hands
Squeezing out its last drop
Whispering
This won’t hurt a bit

In the Ruins

Your ghost is alive in my head
Feeding on anything resembling a memory
Of things that never were
Words and feelings of an imaginary life
When all is as it should be
And, for a moment, was
I do not believe in regret
Which is how I found you
And how I lost you

You’ve ruined me
All of you
With poetry and dreams and promises
With angelic faces and sinful bodies
With laughter and conversation
With honesty and tears
With hope

My heart lies in pieces somewhere
Halved, then halved, then halved
Auctioned off
Handed out
Stolen
Stomped on
Dropped
Discarded
Hidden
You each claim a piece as your own
And now there is nothing left

If love weren’t so cruel
Perhaps I could forget
The sound of you sleeping
A perfect hand beside my face
Fingers slightly bent
A single curl twirled around your finger
The rise and fall of you breathing
In my own created memory
You were mine
You were mine

Oh, to be the pillow you rest your head on
Just once
It seemed too much to ask of you
So I never did
I never said so many things
Things I will never say
I screamed the words with my eyes
And with my heart
And with everything else I am
And I gave these things to you
My words fell on deaf ears
My kisses on deaf skin
And I am a heart that beats no more

My Affliction

My soul collided with the barricade around your heart

Face pressed against plated glass

Waiting

Knocking

Pacing

You, sleeping soundly as you do

In this place

Where I am restless

Discontent

Awake and alone in my suffering

Shards of silence tear through my flesh

Piercing my heart

Bleeding a red trail of my affection

My offering

This price I pay to feel again

This time spent on tears and blood and words

This love is costing all of me

You are all I know

You are all I feel

There is no relief

There is only this place

Where I stand screaming

But you cannot hear me

And I cannot touch you

Love, Parting From Our Lips

We stand outside in freezing air

Exhaling tiny clouds that slowly drift together

Mingling

Becoming one

It lingers for a while

Then disappears

The moment your lips touch mine

Her Reflection in Tears

Why hast thou forsaken me?

My words fall on deaf ears

I am reminded in your silence

Every waking moment without a word

Not a word

I hold my breath as countless hours pass

Days pass

I pass

Piece by aching piece

I am consumed by my despair

I know of nothing else

Mes larmes sont sans fin

Mon Amour

Her Evening Skin

Oil on 16×20

Blood Moon

Cover the stars

Blot out the moon

As if my grief were not enough for you

Every night you appear

And I wake with a fresh wound

You haunt me

Casting shadows in my soul

Staring at me mockingly

While I lie awake

Unable to avert my eyes

Afraid they may never close again

Away harrowing moon!

My eyes are as heavy as my heart

Leave me in my darkness

Let me rest in peace

Let me find my sleep

Let me dare to dream

I Came Tumbling After

Am I the one always falling down?

Stumbling blindly over an out-stretched heart

An obstacle of some sort

A woman

 

I pay no attention to where I land

What damage I may cause

Irreversible

Permanent

 

I tend only to my wounds

Skinned hand and knees

Bruised ego:

Look at me

Look at what you have done

I’m broken

Are you listening?

I find my footing and I rise

Searching for you

In your sadness

In your silence

In the dark

 

You cry out for help from far away

Still lying where I left you…

In pieces

I ask myself

Am I the one always falling down?

Or am I the one doing the pushing?

My Heart Unravels

Even my words have abandoned me

 

Unmoved by my silence

Unaware of my presence

You walk away

 

My cruel, taunting little words

Tethered to your feet

Bound by the only thread

Holding my stitches in place

 

Oh how I wish you would glance back

If only just to watch as I unravel

 

Unabridged

How do we choose the bits and pieces of ourselves

We wish to reveal to others?

Do we come pre-packaged like a demo?

Shrink-wrapped and labeled

Ready to be handed out to anyone asking for a copy

Or do we finger through our stack of vinyls

Looking for a rare recording

 

I think my love is a handwritten manuscript

A thousand pages long with no ending yet written

Some have thumbed through the pages,

Others left notes in the margins

No one has carefully read each and every word

 

There is only one copy, my love,

And I give it to you

Et Je Meurs

Words

Words are all I have left

A babbling stream of delusional consciousness

Pouring from my lips

Spilling red onto lined paper

The damp stains of my last confession

 

My heart was lost before the ink began to dry

 

How deeply words penetrate the willing flesh

Of those who seek solace in torment

Skin marred by the thorns of tangled love

A splinter from a fractured thought

That won’t work its way to the surface

 

And I die every time

The sun melts the color of the sky

 

Love is a seed firmly planted in my soul

Fertile and swelling

Waiting to erupt

From your next breath

Someday

I dream of you
Just as a bird with broken wings dreams of flight

With such anticipation and yearning for…
Someday

When the world is as it should be

When the tears that stained my cheek last night
Become tomorrow morning kisses

When the only trouble on my mind
Is finding the words to describe
The exact color of your eyes

Wax

She flickers in the darkness

I take a step forward

Blood boiling in her presence

Heart stops beating from the heat

Waxen fingers melting on her flesh

I would give my limbs, my life

For one real touch…

What cruel world is this

Where I am made of wax,

And you, my love,

Are a flame

Not Kansas

She’s crawling through my jealousy

And breaks for a price tag

More than I can spend

For name brand love on clearance

Marked and going down

Going down

Sign says repent

For what?

My life my love my lust

It seems the road less traveled is offering tours

I want no part of these site-seers

Who think that for a small fee

They can be like me

Then go home and still walk the straight and narrow

After swallowing the blue pill

This is not Topeka baby

So she takes off her shoes and stays a while

While I make her a drink

What’s your poison?

There is blood in my eyes

And there are tears in my heart

Twisted, turning my head inside out

She comes to mind when I paint my toes

Black or blue or blood red

What should I expect for unlocking Pandora’s box

And climbing inside

Into the Accidental

Oh Little One

With your grey eyes and pink pout

This is not what you think it is

You are only a shadow of a person

Tiny fingers cannot fill the impression left by another

Perfect hands have already set in the cement

Your words bleed red on paper only you can see

An idealized assumption

That we made a wish on the same star

Or even gazed at the same night sky

Your eyes bend the light to create the reflection

You want to see

It’s your voice you hear in the echo

When you whisper my name

You shackled yourself at my feet

I merely hid the key

A Deconstruction of Feeling

The Guilt:

My soul is feeding on the gravity of consequence

Eyes sewn shut

Mouthing words as loud as screams

Whispers only you can hear

Impending corruption from within

A summer obsession disguised as love

Unmasked—my heart still cannot tell the difference

Real is what I say is real

Emotions with no place to call home

Moments of darkness creep in snuffing out the light

The blind leading the deaf in a twisted game of Marco—

No one answers

I need to decompress

Stop my bleeding heart

Stop my maddening silence

Take a deep breath…and

Scream

The Submission:

Memories impede my heart’s recovery

Both sweet and strange at once

A grab bag of emotion

Hands reach in trying to hold on to just one

Bobbing for invisible apples

Hoping I don’t drown

Dizzy from holding my breath too long

I try to come up for air

But those hands are heavy on the back of my neck

Even though you released your grip—

I still cannot breathe

Drowning is peaceful once you submit

All color fades to red

They say sinking hearts will rise again

The Anger:

Promises made with cruel intent

Rules I cannot follow

Spirits and hearts both made to be broken

Alone I walk down a path you have abandoned

Desolate and dark

Fanning away decade old spider webs

The silence whispers ‘turn around’

But I cannot tell which direction I came from

There is no star to guide the way

So I will make this place my own

My silence

My whispers

My words

‘Now I lay me…’

Wait…there is something sticky in my hair

Oh what a tangled web indeed!

The Madness:

And then came the madness

Foggy fingers clawing through the folds of my mind

Peeling back each layer

Forcing the same thought

Over and over and over

My own Tell-Tale Heart

A record spinning on a turntable

Edith Piaf repeating those beautiful words

Skip after skip after skip

Et puis meure, mon amour

Dans tes yeux, mon amour

Dans tes bras, mon amour

This is madness

This is angst

This is mine

And this too shall pass

But I assure you I will not be the one who moves the needle

Tango

It takes two to tango

Who is she? Number 3?

Pay attention to the feet beneath your feet

And the heart that is in between.

You stomp on my toes as though my heart

Beats for you alone.

Palpitation—sort of hard with all the pressure of hot blood.

Eruption could be dangerous, involved, and messy.

I know you like the way things are—

Dirty mind and dirty mouth

It evens out between the sheets—

Or on the floor—

Or in the shower—

Steamy handprints on the wall

Cold tile on your ass making your nipples hard

Or do they harden from my touch

Water running down our bodies as we travel to our world

Where only we exist, as one.

The Concept of Summer

My mind is playing a deceitful game of hide-and-go-seek with my memory

I cannot recall the concept of summer while there is snow on the ground

Simultaneously falling and melting away

Winter is usually a mere pause between summers

A short breath between two long, hot sentences

Tomorrow will be normal for this time of year

By the time I wake, there will be no more trace of tonight’s white phenomenon

But standing here, trembling, with my mouth open

Letting flake after flake melt on my tongue,

I cannot recall the concept of summer

Not For Sale

The wheels of fate turn slowly

Creaking, searching for destined answers

Sometimes even more obvious

Than a protruding brow

Life—an empty billboard

Waiting for a subscriber

Remnants of past advertisers

Still leeching, tattered words—

Random and illogical

Spilled Scrabble pieces

Triple word points

Still not enough to win

Need a blank space for

R-E-A-L-I-T-Y

Fleece wearing thin around the heart

Too many overnight guests

Some unwanted

Some unpacked their bags

Mia Bella Musa

My heart whispered its secrets in your ear last night

Words I cannot and will not rescind.

In prose it freely spoke of unabashed desire

However deficient or benign they may have been to you,

These words were all I had to give.

I do not regret this state my heart it in

Pierced by the sharpened tip of unrequited love.

I have been here before.

I am certain this time I will not recover.

I do not regret the pain

Or the awareness of my suffering.

My only regret is knowing that these words,

When safely tucked away in thought were mine

Aloud they belong to you

Where they sit, ignored,

On your nightstand

Collecting dust

The Knowing

I can taste her on my skin

Tangled sheets and hot blood

I watch her sleeping in perfect stillness

Like an hourglass on its side

Every breath slowly spilling sand

I trace her lines – shoulder to thigh

Body quivering as she takes in a deep breath

I hold mine.

It is impossible not to touch her

Knowing if I do, I’ll wake her

Knowing if I wake her, I can have her again

But I only watch her

Sleeping so quiet and lovely

I take pleasure in the knowing

And my heart knows that is all I need

Marked

Idle talk between the sheets

Which hung around her waist

Like moss on a cypress tree

Fingers planted in my pool

Current flowing as I whisper

In her girl zone

She joined the club last night

I’ve been recruiting new members

Her mailbox was full of invitations

But this was her first

Respondez s’il vous plait

Lucky me

She now bears the mark

On her neck

On her breast

On her thigh

I stamped her hand

So she pays no cover charge

If she wants to come again

She would be more than willing

To trade her leather and stilettos

For flannel and army boots

Despite what some may think

We do not have a dress code

Quote Collage

Crochet my heart with poisoned pride

As damned fools are who think in fear

And live and love in sin

Jester hearts betray with clenched fists of torment

But I cannot find myself amidst their taunting

‘Liar, Liar’

Remember happy moments

Those transformed from a yellow spot

Silence often tells the cruelest lies,

Those forced from pain, though innocent

Regret is unyielding to temptation

Or dreams devised unspoken

Life not fulfilled is life lost

The self must be created, thus

I, myself, am conquered

Anti-Hotel

I recall my stay at the hotel anti-fabric softener

A vapid room of bed and chair and table and

Monochromatic décor

Of starched sheets, of steel wool washcloths

I am not a fan of trading skin

Mine now pinstriped red after bath

Alone in my darkness watching the polyester sunset

From a picture window that does not open

Almost certain death should the unfortunate occur

I am merely a sponge now against the

Blue velvet skyline unraveling

Wishing I were anywhere but here

Cast in life’s shadow

Alone with my magnolia depression

Staring into a vacuous mirror with tie-dyed eyes

And a gravel smile

Sans unfettered cotton candy dreams

No use crying over spilled ink

On paper trees

My dénouement

My reason for living

Or for whatever unreason—

I’m here

Why is this box so different?

Four eggshell walls, white ceiling, blue carpeted concrete floor

I can count the contents on both hands

Minus my contribution

Each passing moment reminds me of how boring

This room is

This life is

This poem is

This…

Mystery (Her Name Is)

She came from the East

Hot breath on the back of my neck

The strange kiss of death

Long and sweet

A voice whispered low

And flowed like a handful of ancient dust

“Are you prepared to go?”

I cried out, “If I must, I must.”

She wore a burial shroud and veil

Both black as the night

Reached out her hand, slender and pale

And I released my hold on life

Man has said for many years

“Life’s only mystery is death,” indeed,

As I embraced her without fear

My hollowed skin and bones agreed.

Driftwood

She rolls with the tide

Like driftwood

Floating around in the ocean

Always changing

Always moving

Highs and lows

Unsatisfied with never finding the shore

She thinks she’s drowning

I think she walks on water

I hope that one day I find her

Resting in the sand on my beach